Peace Corps Kate

Day #284: Kameelputs, SA: A Million Different Directions

2008-04-05T14:01:00.002-04:00

I'm missing Dale. I had a dream about him this afternoon. He was here, in this place! I'm still a little in shock that we work so well, that this is love I speak of. I thank Jesus for clarity.

I am bored and lonely-all a state of mind, of course. I just miss being understood. God gets me. I only have to focus on His everlasting presence in my life. As always, the rest tumbles before me. It doesn't even matter.

I've been here ten months today. I can hardly believe it! I feel like a different woman, yet the same. It's difficult to put into words. I'm going in a million different directions and none of them make much sense at all.

I'm sleepy-long week and those dreams are so damn enticing. Dale calls to me in my dreams. I love that man and the God who brought us together. Perfect.

Oh, made no-bake cookies today. Such a diet no-no. Also did a 30 minute workout and observed a teacher.

Day #283: Kameelputs, SA: Attack & Embrace

2008-03-28T15:05:00.002-04:00

Another decent day, just so tired, though. What is my deal? I'm pushing through, as always. I'm planning my attack for next year. I say ruthless is the way to go, indeed. This is the year to make a difference. Major empowerment is needed here. Really, my time is passing quickly. I'll miss this place (these people!) when it's all said and done. I know how I work. I must embrace this all. Absorb it for resurface late in this fabulous life.

No roaches tonight, please. I never sleep well when I know they are lurking.

Thank you, Jesus, for these starry nights. BEE-YOU-TEE-FULL! You are so good to me. Help me to never forget. My life in your hands. I trust noone else with it.

Day #281: Kameelputs, SA: Out of Whack, As Always

2008-03-28T14:09:00.004-04:00

I think it may be about to storm. I hope so. It's so hot and I don't want to visit that AIDS patient. Just too sleepy. Maybe I'll get my second wind. HA..Doubtful.

Three hours later...
No second wind or AIDS visitation. I just lucked out. Lights are dim tonight. Feels exotic. I wish Dale was here. I miss my baby. He's so good to me/for me. I must stop these mixed signals and contradictory statements. I'm all out of whack. Figure that one out-I'm always out of sorts, which was fine when I flew solo, but is hardly fair to Dale. Something else to work on. I'll add it to my list.

Okay, I must do some kind of workout. My current weight is unacceptable. How horrible!

I love you, Jesus. Help me to remember how you made me, so I must be worth something great. I must empower myself, seeing as how noone else will. Thank you for internal motivators. Help me keep it alive!

P.S. Team taught map skills to third graders with Annie today.

Day #279: Kameelputs, SA: Only Goats

2008-03-27T20:30:00.003-04:00

I just woke from a three hour nap of home. It was disturbing and sad. I am recovering. It was my fault. I thought too hard of the past, inviting it into my dreams.

All I see is goats-no sign that humans exist today at all. It's eerie when the only people I see all day exist only in sad dreams. It is a peaceful moment, though, so I am grateful for the shadows the sun casts and the beauty in the way the sun descends.

Stace says I'm her best friend here and I am so blessed to have three friends love me so much. Makes me think I definitely came to the right place. I thank Jesus for so much goodness in one life. It almost doesn't seem fair that as one person I should be so blessed. You continue to intrigue and amaze me, Jesus. Continue to keep me safe and strong, always protected in your love.

P.S. I miss Grandma & Pappy Vence!....off to make Pilcards (fish)-UG!

Day #278: Kameelputs, SA: Future Plans

2008-03-27T11:30:00.002-04:00

T and I spent all day eating and washing clothes. I'm real excited for Cape Town. Stace, T, and I have similar views on leisure vacation time, so I'm counting on good days just chillin' with my girls. Of course, I should expect drama, as it always transforms some way or another.

I've heard from Peace Corps four times in just a few days. Morgan knows I'm not too pleased about the current situation, but I highly doubt he cares much. What a peace-filled moment. I must soak it up now, as these days (and my moods) are so fickle and wavering.

I am meeting Ron (our country director) and surrounding volunteers for dinner Monday night. I'm only anxious for good food, though the company doesn't appeal to me much at all. I do have a package, so I am looking forward to more goodies. My friends are so amazing. I am so blessed for their presence in my life!

Day #276: Kameelputs, SA: Good Company, High Spirits

2008-03-27T10:47:00.004-04:00

I'm disappointed about not getting any mail, but I still have faith in tomorrow. I'm sleepy with no real reason to be. T is here and I'm glad for good company and her smiling face. What a blessing she is to me!

What a crazy week it's been! I can't say I'm too disappointed about it's end. Could've ended days ago and I would have been pleased. Electricity is out for another day. I'm not terribly upset about it, but it is quite a nuisance. I miss my fan! Tomorrow is a day of washing and chill time. More wash than chill, but I'm not alone and there's so much to be said for that.

Okay, T is up for chatting and I never get company that understands me the first time around. Thank you, Jesus, for the angels you send. They are so appreciated!

P.S. I team-taught timelines with Joyce today!

Day #275: Kameelputs, SA: A Dramatic Moment

2008-03-25T14:27:00.003-04:00

It has rained heavily for a majority of the day. I was pleased at first, as it matched my mood, but now I'm dissatisfied. It seems God cannot even make me happy these days. It's my sign to start making some major changes within myself. No time like the present. What the hell am I waiting for?

The sun shines briefly as a reminder that all is well and sweet and not to worry, we are all God's children. How easy it is to forget when we choose to do so. I need to listen more closely. I'm too easily distracted. I must keep on the straight and narrow path. I am not forsaken. I've just forgotten myself again. Who was I before I became me? Where have I gone to and why so far away?

Laura is not joining us in Cape Town. I am sad for her absence, but still intend to make the most of our holiday season.

"She sees shooting stars and comet tails. She's got Heaven in her eyes. She says, 'I don't need to be an angel, But I'm nothing if I'm not this high.' We only stay in orbit for one moment in time. You're everybody's satellite. I wish that you were mine." Counting Crows

My heart is confused-heavy one minute and light the next. I can never take life for granted again, yet what am I doing now? Wasted days on a string. Counting them down until I'm home. The traveler is rarely satisfied-always seeking even when it's found. Suppose I should speak only for myself. There's noone to blame or challenge. I made this path. Cut down the forest with my machete and passion, threatening the same fate to those who stood in my way of there to here-past to present...or was it past to future, or perhaps something different altogether? Difficult to say in these difficult times. I'm full of excuses this evening.

I want to sleep as angels with moonbeams on my eyebrow. Instead, for now, I'll settle for buzzing mosquitoes, lurking cockroaches, and the moonlight through the open window. (The light seems to avoid my face. I'm too hurt to ask why.)

Day #274: Kameelputs, SA: Simple Sweetness

2008-03-25T12:49:00.003-04:00

Today was good-much improved from yesterday. I do have to spend all day with Joyce tomorrow, but one day at a time, right?

I went to bed last night with my last words to Dale and woke with my first words to Dale. That's how I want it all our lives. It was simple and sweet.

Stace loved the box of goodies. It was so worth it to see her smiling face. What a great weekend! It all comes back ten-fold. I got a cool bookshelf from my sweet ma. Life is so good-thank you Jesus. I am so blessed! I am grateful for the light after the darkness. Such simple sweetness exists here on Earth.

Day #273: Kameelputs, SA: Who I Am or Who I Was

2008-03-25T12:40:00.003-04:00

I've had a horrible day! It really wasn't so bad, but my worst in quite some time. This job really sucks sometimes. I really had to convince myself not to walk away. Peace Corps sucks. Thanks for the freaking support! Couldn't do it without you. Oh wait...what a joke!

Dale is calling tonight. What a relief. I really need to calm this storm to a manageable level before he has to. I've been so self-absorbed lately, I'm embarrassed. He's a darling. I'm sure he'll forgive my selfish ways. Just wish I was who I am or am who I was. Either way, I'm definitely not myself. I just need Jesus.

I'm going to dream of Dale wildly. This day has been too long and my body is too tired, my spirit too weakened. I ask God to replenish me as I dream sweetly, to keep me safe from roaches and harm. (No electricity tonight.)

Let it happen, Let it go. Breathe it in, Breathe it out.

Day #272: On the way to Kameelputs, SA: Phone Calls

2008-03-08T20:18:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here dreading that ride home. Won't be so bad, I'm sure. Dale and Mom called last night. What a treat, what bad timing. Just with Stace's birthday and all. It's always nice to hear their voices. What amazing people. Wish I could say the same for my asshole brothers. Okay, I'll get back to this later. One quick thing: Crazy dream about Dale. Very disturbing.

Day #272: Stace's Village, SA: Happy Birthday, Stacy!

2008-03-08T20:13:00.003-05:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STACE!

It is so freakin' hot. Makes it hard to even breathe. Unbearable. Stace is 26 today and I'm pleased to be here. No other person I'd rather be with, but the place could be cooler. This poor pup is panting his lil' heart out. I feel him. Poor baby.

Athelia's text message still worries me. Assertive training #1:When power trip supervisor with no real integrity suggests I am slacking off, calmly point out timetable, my dedication, and her lack of. What a pain in my ass.

Thank you, Jesus, for this awesome weekend. How blessed I am! My praises to you for this moment, hour, day, weekend, month, year, LIFE! I am forever a woman of God, a believer in all goodness that is to come.

Day #267: Kameelputs, SA: Random Award

2008-03-08T20:03:00.002-05:00

"Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by what you did not do than by what you did. SO throw off the bowlines. Sail from safe harbor. DISCOVER. EXPLORE. DREAM."

Hi. Good day, I'd say. Relatively productive, but who cares about that? I heard Tiny bitch all day. Good Lord, end it! Or do something about it, is my advice. (I think Tiny wrote that student book herself. How completely frustrating. Let them think, damn you!!)

Ray wrote to me. What a sweet man he is! I feel so blessed that he's in my life. My thoughts are all over the place today. I moved my room around. I've been a little freaked since my scorpion discovery in my bed. God is protecting me. No sweat, right? Right?

I took a nap in the nude this afternoon, speaking of sweat. Been thinking of my wedding day. I'm already stressed. I'm so blessed to have so many women to choose from for my bridal party. Oh, the things a woman in love thinks about. It's just ludacris.

Laura is in deep shit with Peace Corps. Hope this all pans out. I have faith that she belongs here for now. Off to T's Thursday. I'm excited for my weekend at Stace's, but kind of nervous about my tswana interactions. It's be fine. After all, I'll be with my girl. The rest is details.

AIDS workshop tomorrow and Thursday. I'm excited. For one, I'll have less sitting time at Tshabelang Primary. I hope Poppie allows me to be a silent participant.

Thank you, Jesus, for another peace-filled day. You are everything! Protect me.

I dreamt of Sue. I miss that girl...I miss everyone!

Day #266: Kameelputs, SA: The Sun Shines Again

2007-08-02T23:42:00.000-04:00

Dale sent me the some sweet text messages early this morning. What a baby doll. Talk about a good start to another otherwise dreadful Monday, as all Mondays are.

Played Netball with the kids today. It was loads of fun, but boy, am I ever out of shape! I like to think I kept up pretty well considering I'm twice their age. Another wild thunderstorm swept through Kameelputs and no madi equals no electricity. Who needs all that artificial light anyways? Overrated. What a glorious moment. Sigh. Do other people delight in thunderstorms and rain on tin roofs, as I do? Doubt it.

Spoke with Mom last night. She mentioned Sam should write his sister. He says he's not good at the family thing. HA. Something to remember if ever I need a favor. Note to self. Makes me want to cry and scream, but what am I to do? All I want is evidence of love. I just need to see it as it stands before me. God is kind and His love is abundant. I need to look to Him for everything I need. What an important lesson!

The sun is out again. Everything is always as it should be. Never a reason to want it any other way. I must always remember the grace and will of God to erase all darkness. I thank God who brought me to this place. I remain faithful as I follow His lead.

Day #265: Kameelputs, SA: Mercy from the Storm

2006-12-09T12:22:00.000-05:00

It's been storming all day and I love it! I needed the break in weather. This morning was unbearable, so I thank God for His mercy, for this cool rain, for the safety from the raging storm outside.

Dale called last night. What a blessing. I always stall for something else to say, something to buy us time, something to keep his voice wrapped in conversation with mine. He is still hoping to visit for a month in March. We are staying optimistic about the possibility, faithful to the idea.

I am getting mail tomorrow. I am so anxious. Isn't it a shame what I live for? I say, whatever gets me through. I'm in a random mood. Just woke from a peace-filled nap and my mind is still disoriented. I hate that-the part where I must surrender to my reality. This is my life. I must live it well. I must live richly.

The most beautiful sunset ever tonight. Simply breathtaking!

Day #264: Kameelputs, SA: Promise

2006-12-09T12:15:00.000-05:00

I am sitting with a pretty little girl whose name means Promise. How beautiful. It is hot and I am tired as a direct result. I need to get my butt to Etebare, but Tshepiso is such a serious artist. I'd hate to interrupt her.

What a pleasant day! Lucky even served me cake and ice cream. What dollbabies I'm surrounded with. I am so damn blessed. It amazes me everyday.

Nothing to report. This week makes seven months at site. Wow-I've achieved nothing. In God's time, this will all fall into place. It's His promise. He hasn't forgotten me. He always keeps His word. I feel grateful for everything I receive. Even the challenges are blessings...lessons to live by.

Absence of Fear
"There is this hunger,
this restlessness inside of me
that knows that you're no stranger,
you're my gravity." ~Jewel

Day #263: Kameelputs, SA: Random Thoughts

2006-12-09T12:02:00.000-05:00

Parents Day was today and I'm happy to say that it was indeed a success. I did just fine. Poppie, a good friend and teacher, says I'm intelligent. What a compliment! She is so cool.

It was a productive day. I somewhat tidied up. I'm giving a lot of crap away, which at first was hard to part with, but kind of fun after I got the hang of it. I hope it's like this when I head home and must part with it all. Something tells me it won't be so easy. We'll see.

I feel bad. The girls of Etebare came at five o'clock and I was in here, isolating myself from the world. Go figure. I really should open this door more open. Let that fresh air bring with it whatever follows its lead. My mind is going in too many random directions. I need to calm down and go to bed, in that order.

Day #262: Kameelputs, SA: Gratitude

2006-12-09T11:36:00.000-05:00

I am sitting naked on my unmade bed, feeling the fan blow on my hot skin, eating Mentos, and thinking of Dale's intentions to head to Alaska, the final destination of a round trip adventure. Anything to avoid the thoughts of heat and discomfort that cloud my head.

It is thundering in the distance, has been for days, and I'm praying for rain. The kind that seeps into my pores. The kind that dries my sweat. The kind that puts me to sleep in peace and cleanses my spirit. Instead, I close my eyes and think of home, of my family and friends, just arriving to work, of the promise of cool autumn night under the blankets and stars.

Thank you, Jesus, for good tidings, for the memory and energy to play children games, for the sun that warms me, the wind that cools me, and the story that unfolds in the pages of an enchanting book. My life in your hands.

p.s. What a fun day of Red Rover!

Day #261: Kameelputs, SA: The Search for Food

2006-11-20T00:05:00.000-05:00

I should've bought bread instead of eggs. The electricity is out, making it difficult to cook up eggs. Quite a bummer.

Dale sent a text message. What a sexy guy! Damn, I wish he was here. One day all of this will make sense. I have to believe.

I remember Traleathea and me making salad in Moruleng on a night without electricity. We ventured out alone in the dark to the store. What an adventure! What were we thinking? All in search of food. You should see what we'll do for food. It's just crazy.

Ma thinks I may have been bit by a cockroach. Good God, I hope not. That's just frighteningly tragic. I don't even want to imagine. An unattractive man that I've met once before called again this afternoon. I'm gonna have to get rude. Such a heartbreaker I am. Yeah, right!

Thank you, Jesus, for the beauty of this day. Nothing like some good old-fashioned kid-fun to make me focus on the mission at hand.

Day #260: Kameelputs, SA: Peace

2006-11-19T23:56:00.000-05:00

Just woke from a long nap. The rain tapped on the tin roof all afternoon as the thunder echoed in the distance. I loved it! What perfect weather for laziness. I even dreamt in peace.

I have a very painful canker sore. It hurts like a bitch sincerely.

Talked to Dale last night and almost wish I hadn't. I want to chat with him tonight, to hear the rain above as our music, the ground below as our security. It'll have to wait until next week. Whatever they say about absence and a fond heart must be true. I adore my man!

I am concerned for my distraction from Jesus, that I think of Dale too much and Jesus takes the toll. He gets pushed into smalled cavities in my mind to make room for Dale when clearly it should be the other way around. I have faith that both Jesus and Dale can coexist, that I can have my cake and eat it, too, sort of speak, that God blesses me with Dale because He believes in my ability to have both close.

I have to make a speech for the community of Mammutla. I'm a bit nervous. Actually considering calling in sick or dead. I'm sure I'll do just fine. I have peace in my mind and Jesus in my heart.

Day #259: Kameelputs, SA: Angels

2006-11-19T23:51:00.000-05:00

An unattractive man told me he loves me under a tree this afternoon, his brown eyes desperately looking for something that isn't in mine. I actually got a little nervous that he might use his brute strength to persuade me. The nice thing was that a coombie stopped to make sure I was okay. I feel good-watched and protected.

Thank you for angels, Jesus. I appreciate you sending them my way. The kiddies will be here in 45 minutes. I promised them balloons today. That's all it takes to make them happy. One balloon. Damn, I love children! Talk about angels.

I LOVE DALE ALAN! We're making it. We're fighting through. Thank you. The just shall live by faith.

Day #258: Sekhing, SA: Comforting and Free

2006-11-19T23:46:00.000-05:00

I had a horrible dream that I'm still recovering from. I remember sobbing and running from men with machine guns. Good God, protect my dreams. Make me feel safe and protected from evil by your love. I love you so!

A friend of mine may get a divorce. I can't even imagine. I can see that they love each other. Why can't it be that simple? What makes me think Dale and I can make it when so many people are cashing in, giving up, letting go. I'm going to keep the faith.

I'm sitting in Traleathea's room alone, not too anxious to get back to Kameel. They journey alone wears me down. I miss the kiddies, though, and there's something so nice about being back in my own space. Comforting and free somehow. Well...as long as the roaches are on their best behavior.

Thank you, Jesus, for pushing me through another week. I put my trust, my faith, my love, and my life only in you. PEACE!

Day #257: Kameelputs, SA: Full Throttle

2006-10-16T21:59:00.000-04:00

Talk about ups and downs! On my 15th wind now and I'm going with it. Isn't this what life is all about? Feeling every emotion full throttle. No escape, no hiding, no interpreting, no manipulating. Easier said than done, but I have faith. I will pull through.

God is my rock, my everything. I need to make sure Dale understands this, that our relationship will be faith-based, tried and true. It can't be any other way.

In the end, these things matter most:
How well did you love?
How fully did you live?
How deeply did you learn to let go?

Day #256: Kameelputs, SA: So Our Motto Goes

2006-10-16T21:52:00.000-04:00

Dale called twice in these past two days. I feel much better, but how pathetic is that? I don't even want to admit it. I am so in love with that man. Hope he doesn't give up on me, on us.

Headed to Traleathea's(PCV)this weekend and I'm not even looking forward to it, as I usually do. There is just too much hanging in the air between us and I know I'll have to bring life to all of them. I kind of want to ignore it, but what good would that do? HA! Speak of the devil and she texts. I think I'm confusing her. "Let it happen, let it go", right? So our motto goes.

What a peace-filled moment. Trying to stop my fast thoughts with no luck. I should learn yoga. "Should" being the operative word. Mass praises to you, Jesus. What a divine day. Thank you for the small reminders that this is all worth me while. Keep my heart strong. I'll always need you, my alpha and omega, my beginning and end.

Day #255: Kameelputs, SA: Dale-filled Dreams

2006-10-14T16:13:00.000-04:00

I'm sleepy, but I'm on cockroach control and hoping for Dale's phone call. Looks like I'll have to go another day. Sigh. Today was sincerely depressing-weather, mood, activities-you name it. I am feeling better than these past few days. I guess there's something to be said for that,huh?

I'm gonna exercise my energies at the other schools. Tshabelang sucks. The leadership there isn't enough to pull through. I just wish those kids wouldn't have to pay such a high price.

Damn-why isn't Dale calling? Can't he sense how much I require his attention? My,my, aren't I needy tonight? Love will do that to you, I suppose...and Fiona Apple.

I'm asking for a peaceful sleep tonight, roach-free. May be a big request, but I don't think it seems like much. I also pray Mammutla is more uplifting. I'm dying here! I'm wordless tonight. Suppose I will slip into sleep, meet Dale in my dreams tonight and on the phone tomorrow...I hope.

Day #254: Kameelputs, SA: Let It Go

2006-10-14T16:07:00.000-04:00

I'm the first to admit that I'm moping. Can't say what my main malfunction is. In short, I just don't feel like enough. I want life to be right again. I miss ignorance. I feel like a horrible person. I need to humble myself to God and all heavenly and earthly beings. I've been too arrogant in my abilities and desires. No sense beating myself up. Recognize. Declare. Let it go. Learn.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference. Always in your name.

Day #253: Kameelputs, SA: Sown with Faith

2006-09-25T20:54:00.000-04:00

I have work to accomplish but absolutely no motivation. It's a damn shame, I tell you. Who cares? Life is incredibly too short and I deserve lazy days. It's cold out there, but I am grateful for the opportunity to wear pajamas all day. Nothing like a chilled Sunday afternoon to really make someone dread Monday.

A storm woke me up last night. Reminded me of Dale's presence during the last one, how we slept by candlelight as everything poured outside without mercy. Even at that early hour last night my heart felt heavy with his absence. Surely, this must be love. I can think of no other explanation.

I want to sleep now (at 6pm), but it's only because of this time that I can never get back, of all the moments long past never to come again. It will all work out. I declare it with faith. It cannot justly be any other way. God knows that and can attest to this truth.

I will reap what I have sown with faith.

Day #252: Kameelputs, SA: Borderline Unstable

2006-09-21T21:50:00.000-04:00

It truly amazes me how drastically my mood and attitude can change from one day to the next, much less in one day or one hour. It's just insane.

I have only God and myself to rely on here. Everyone else seems borderline unstable, if not definitely emotionally unavailable. HA-listen to me chatter on like the mentally sound. Ironic.

The wind is blowing crazy outside but I feel safe and comforted here, in this small space of mine. Wish Dale was lying next to me now. I am so grateful to finally see the light-of his face, his love, our future-you name it and I'm blessed by it. God is so great. Life is so sweet. I just can't seem to say enough about either.

I got such goodies today. Makes me wonder why I didn't feel that love when I was home. It always comes when I require it. It's the best thing about love and friendship and all things good and real and honest-they always surface when we need them most. How marvelous!

Traleathea is hiding from me and I don't care. I just can't keep doing this. I'm not doing her any favors by babying her. She'll let me know when she's ready. I mustn't push or pull her any way.

I feel guilty about Katy, another PCV. Her heart is good, but her intentions are all wrong. I hope she is not alone on the holidays, that it all works out that we can be together. I ask God for the grace to handle the situation Christian-like, despite all opposition.

Day #251: Kameelputs, SA: The Dancing Flame

2006-09-21T21:41:00.000-04:00

I am bored to tears. I should find something to be productive about, but I am lacking the energy to be active. What a pleasantly cool day. I should be happier, more hopeful for this life. Instead, I'm pushing the years ahead-a bad idea, I assure you. This is an uncertain moment. I'm pulling myself through it, to see the beauty of solitude and grace in falling my own dreams on my own accord.

I have an amazing, not to mention handsome and talented and compassionate (I could go on and go!) man at home, waiting for me. Imagine that. Imagine not being second best or overlooked altogether. Imagine someone great wanting me. I am so blessed.

The smoke is dancing from the flame. I am lonely for my only love. No one man has filled this space in my heart as he does. He does it perfectly. Being in love is such an awesome experience, but it brings me insecurity and a desperate nervousness I've never felt before. I just want him near...and he is so very far away. I am so afraid that I'll lose him, that he'll change his heart once he sees things as they are.

I am getting mail tomorrow and hope it makes me remember love. I feel so alone now. I just really need Jesus. It's going to get better. Everyone knows that. Satan is taking this golden opportunity to attack my withering spirit. God is holding me up with both hands. I need only to fall into Him, let Him catch me this round. I must surrender to His love, let it captivate and surround me. What do I fear and why?

Day #250: Kameelputs, SA: Memories Persist

2006-09-21T00:19:00.000-04:00

Start of Peace Corps Journal #2...

I'm so freakin'sleepy. This sun really beats me up. The wind is even hot. If someone would have told me I'd judge the temperature of the outside world by the heat from my tin roof, I would have never believed it. Yet here I am, my hand on the hot tin.

I am sometimes sick of this chapter. I want to be closer to the people I love. I want to make a difference that I can touch with my two able hands, with my whole heart. Oh, I live this life the best way I know how. It's not always the right way, but I do what I can with what I have. Don't we all? I prefer to think so.

A goat is at my doorway. Only in South Africa, I tell you.

I can't think today. Or rather I'm thinking too much. Either way can't be good. I'm signing off. I just need Jesus.

Random Memories...
Dale and I on his last day. We slept on the grass, our bodies entwined. I could hear his pulse. I miss that man!

Dale sat on the steps of that tuck shop in Mammutla and ate oranges and drank Fanta. He leaned against a post and smiled often. I couldn't take my eyes off him.

We ate tomatoes as the kids stared with empty wheelbarrows and curious faces. Our faces were to the sun. Our chins were dripping with tomato juice. A storm was shifting in. Nothing else mattered but the moment at hand.

Day #238: Kameelputs, SA: Nothing More

2006-09-21T00:14:00.000-04:00

Give me peace, Lord, that I may be strong and of good courage and faith. My baby is leaving in ten minutes and my heart is broken into pieces. Walk with me, Jesus.

I am so very blessed. Everything I need is right here. I ask for nothing more. What a perfect day. Sigh.

Day #236: Kameelputs, SA: All Over Again!

2006-09-21T00:07:00.000-04:00

Because the man won't leave me alone until I write a few of these:
* cheese egg omelettes
* "Welcome Mapaseka and her husband!"
* Kamogelo and Bugs playing with Dale's hair
* waking up next to each other!
* knowing the other one is there--nothing beats it!
* late night laundry panic
* Dale's run-in with the rabit dog and the mace at 3 am
* Dale's bargainning skills at the market (I have to just walk away.)
* our "nature walk" at 530 am
* our high-tech camera (We only have disposables at a nature reserve!)
* our airport meeting (Dale was shaking and Katy was light-headed!)
* looking like hobos with our wet jeans drying on the street
* at school the kids looking through the windows and singing
* our fresh, strong perspective about us...
WE'RE GONNA MAKE IT!!

Ahhhh...it's like falling in love all over again!

Day #226: Kameelputs, SA: Hands Down

2006-09-19T22:10:00.000-04:00

This is the man for me...Hands Down! I'm scared, but feel safe in his midst. Like nothing else matters. The world could close in and it would all be irrelevant. He is "it". I adore Dale Alan Prather!!

Thank you, Jesus Christ, for bringing him to me in your time.

What a moment. He's making me a cheese omelette and I'm watching in awe. Sigh.

Please, God, let this be it. Let this be as right as it feels. You know I can't be disappointed again. I would never recover. Thank you for bringing what I never thought I could have. It's all because of you. I'm living strictly on faith!!

Day #219: Kameelputs, SA; Nowhere Slowly

2006-09-19T22:07:00.000-04:00

I'm going nowhere slowly and I wouldn't want it any other way. I love this life! No matter where I am, I always want to love it, to breath out its bitterness and taste its sweetness.

I'm tired and unfocused again. What's the deal? I rebuke anything not of God. I must stay strong and of good faith. Heal me!

Day #218: Kameelputs, SA: Weakened

2006-09-19T22:04:00.000-04:00

Hope Mom calls with a Dad update. I'm so freakin' hungry I can't stand it! I hate to be negative, but I am starving. I've got to stop lending out my money. People are worth it, right? They need to eat, too. I've been sleeping too much--no energy. I need to be healed. Hold my hand. Hold my weakened body.

Day #217: Kameelputs, SA: Aiming for Survival

2006-09-19T22:00:00.000-04:00

Hello World! I am alive and well. Didn't emerge from my room until five. It was divine: a day finally to myself. Much needed.

Wonder how my dad is.

Dale will arrive in six days! We've made it so far. I have such faith. I just want to make it peacefully through this week. I'm just aiming for survival these days...nothing more for now.

Day #216: Kameelputs, SA: 100% to God

2006-09-19T21:57:00.000-04:00

I'm tired. Thinking too much, no doubt. I am so blessed. No complaints here. I just hope Dad's okay, that Laura and Beah are sleeping with peace. I'm worried, but what good does it do? God has this one 100%. Just gotta make it to next Saturday. I need rest. Give me rest please. In your name, I dream tonight.

Day #215: Kameelputs, SA: Saved by God

2006-09-19T21:49:00.000-04:00

My daddy was in an accident Wednesday night. He was hit by a drunk driver who went left of center and hit his motorcycle. Dad's left leg was hit the worst they've seen. Bones broke and tore flesh and skin. If he walks again, it will be with a limp.

He is frightened and there is nothing I can do about it. God spared him-Sam said he was yards away from a telephone pole. If any factors would have been different, he could have died. But God already knew that.

I wonder what good a dream is if it takes me so far away from the people I love. I'm asking God to answer this door. I cannot break down. I refuse. Only God rules my life. I will stay strong and my family-my father-will prevail. I trust in this. I know it's all His design-His plans in His time.

Daddy was saved!! Halleluiah!! Praise Jesus!! God is so good. Life is so sweet.

"So I say to you,
Ask, and it will be given to you;
Seek, and you will find;
Knock, and it will be opened to you." Luke 11:9

Nothing can stop me from praising you, Jesus. Nothing.

Day #214: Kameelputs, SA: A Day of Blessings

2006-09-19T21:43:00.000-04:00

Last night I danced for Jesus, saying His name with each beat. I've had so many blessings come to me today-an awesome Spring Day performance, food from Poppie, tea and laughter from Annie, God's blessing from Annie's surrogate father, Coke from George and Tabiso, an invitation to meet the Peace Corps Director. Oh, an old gentleman sitting under a tree told Ann I'm a beautiful girl. The dancing and the blessings go hand-in-hand. The latter is a direct result of the first. God is so good! I will always praise His good works.

Once I was lost, but now I am found!!!

(Meanwhile, little did I know until the following day, that my father was in a motorcycle accident the same day of blessings for me!)

Day #213: Kameelputs, SA: Good to Go Without

2006-09-14T22:31:00.000-04:00

What a nice day. If I had some food to eat and some of my own money, I'd be even better. This is one of those days I must take comfort in what I do have. It's good to go without. Puts things into perspective. I hope I never forget. And still people give. No repayment mentioned. No expectations. (God bless Johan's free ride!)

I can't truthfully say the remedial workshop was a complete success, but I did survive. As long as I gave them a different take. We'll see if there's any lasting impacts. I must not give up or in. I must fight the good fight.

I shouldn't be so fat if I can barely eat. Figure that one out.

Laura hasn't called today. I'm concerned,but I know God's got her.

Five hours later my water boils. Good God. What's a girl gotta do for a dinner of some noodles and rice? I dig this weather. No hotter, please. Dale in ten days. I'm so nervous. Help the mineworkers, Jesus. They need smart, fair negotiations for the work they put in. I know, I know, I'm random. Had a dream that Dale didn't want me to touch him anywhere. I was so hurt. Is this foreshadowing?

Day #212: Kameelputs, SA: Great. Grand. Wonderful

2006-09-14T22:25:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here thinking of what to bring and wear when I pick up Dale. Good Lord, who cares? I have more important things to concern myself with. I feel like I'm actually starting to be productive. Imagine that.

Laura is in Pretoria. I'm nervous, but have to let God handle this one. He alone knows what she needs. Noone else has a clue. I just want to be a vessel of strength, help her see "the big picture". Put the words in me. I need her to hear me speak goodness and peace into her life, into this journey. I need Jesus alone to guide me.

I have to pee, but who wants to travel out there at night? I'll wait as long as possible. I'm so hungry with nothing here to eat. I'm trying to think of something else, but it's difficult. Reminds me about these starving children.

Today's Radio Trivia: What animal can stay alive after it's head has been cut off and it starves from hunger? A COCKROACH. Great. Grand. Wonderful.

Day #211: Kameelputs, SA: Happy Spring Day!

2006-09-14T22:19:00.000-04:00

HAPPY SPRING DAY! I am so very blessed! These people (some of them) have it so bad: sixty-year-olds with five plus kids to care for on one pensioner's pay. Wow. Aunt Betty should never bitch. I'll chew her out next time I hear it, I promise you.

I'm thinking I should write Laura and Ray. They're really going through trauma and drama. They need Jesus and I want to spread His word. I can't claim to be 100% capable, but God makes me worthy. I can shine His light. I know I can do it.

I shouldn't have eaten all those fatcakes. I feel so large. Ugh. I hope Dale isn't disgusted. My spirit is suddenly tired, but Jesus is close. I can feel Him now. I must stay strong and of good faith. I must push forward. Save the broken-hearted. Heal the weak in spirit.

Day #210: Kameelputs, SA: Close Calls

2006-09-13T18:09:00.000-04:00

I started this journey following Jesus and I refuse to do anything else. There's just no other way. Above all else, I must remember this. It's my essence.

Crazy weekend filled with close calls and disquised blessings created only by God. He knows Traleathea and I are foolish, but still He remains by our side. We could have been raped and left for dead-no joke-but instead we were spared. No one is getting to this spirit.

I miss home, but I never wished to quit this fight. Not once have I seriously considered it. Jesus makes me strong, powerful, and brave. Mom is calling tonight and I am anxious for her voice. I wish that woman could be here. Oh, the fun we could have together. Ahhhhh.

Day #205: Kameelputs, SA: A Prayer for Strength

2006-09-13T18:04:00.000-04:00

"Did I dream this belief? Or did I believe this dream? Now I will find relief. I grieve..."

Oh, how am I feeling? Who knows? I do recognize that I am a pretty strong so-and-so. Because of God, I quickly add. Everything is because of Him.

Laura is struggling. She is stronger than she lets on. She'll push through no matter the choice she makes. Nevertheless, I ask God tonight to keep Laura safe and protected, living with the conviction she was created with. That girl needs you, whether she fully acknowledges it or not. Watch over your daughter, please.

Day #203: Kameelputs, SA: Possibility of Survival

2006-09-13T18:00:00.000-04:00

Get this: I'm eating sugar from a spoon. I am losing it.

I am skeptical about Dale and my possibility of survival. I think for now I'll keep my negative energy to myself while I soul-search a little more. Things will clear up, I know they will. Either way, I'll feel that rightness in my choice someday soon. I declare it now.

The day was fine. Nothing to write home about, but life is certainly sweet. I currently feel sluggish, and no doubt it's from this diet. I have to heal myself, through God.

Day #202: Kameelputs, SA: Strong and Steady

2006-09-12T22:32:00.000-04:00

I feel huge. I need discipline, but I am often tired. I understand Laura's urge to just go home, but I am hopeful in her stay, that she will stay strong and steady, that she will know and hear clearly the voice of God.

Help me to remember, Jesus, to live a life at peace with my body, spirit, heart, and mind. I cannot be free without peace. I lean only to you for the salvation I require, for the healing I beg of, and the peace I request.

Tonight I pray for Carrie Jane Dulin, who truly lived her life as a beacon of your shining light. Take her graciously home.

Day #201: Kameelputs, SA: No Thanks to Politics

2006-09-12T22:27:00.000-04:00

All is peaceful. The journey I so feared went marvelously. God walked beside me the entire time. No problems. No worries. Life is good.

Met the U.S. Senators. Big freakin' deal! I mean, there was good food and the other PCVs were fun, but I'm not much into politics with good reason. All those people acting so fake. Really, life is too short for that bullshit. As long as they reach out to the AIDS patients, orphans, helpless and hopeless victims, I don't care for the rest. I ask God to open their hearts to the good cause and for Mary to guard the wings of those children, those sweet baby angels.

Day #197: Kameelputs, SA: Nothing to Fear

2006-09-12T22:20:00.000-04:00

So tomorrow I will travel on my lonesome journey to Pretoria. I'm slightly anxious. I'm not a worldly woman. I have nothing to fear. God is here with me always.

Dale called last night. He is so in love. I hope I do right by him, become the woman he imagines me to be. Time will tell the tale one day. Just hold on with faith and love and hope. Stay strong, as always. Fear nothing. I adore you, Father, whose face I rise to meet and sleep to dream.

Day #195: Kameelputs, SA: A Prayer for My Friends

2006-09-12T22:14:00.000-04:00

All is well and peaceful in my world-a rarity, indeed. Juliette spoke on the phone. I miss that baby angel. Keep her strong and healthy, Jesus, as all your children should be. Let me come home to her sweet smile and recollection of me when the time is right.

Traleathea is sleeping deeply. I wish Jeffrey, her late brother, would let her live in peace and serenity. Her heart is burdened with the guilt of his handsome face. She'll always love you, Jeffrey, but you need to let her go. Her heart is too heavy and this woman needs to fly free. I pray for her tonight, and for all who have loved so well and lost so much.

Ray needs you, Jesus. I can hear his silenced, fearful prayers. Keep him brave, letting only faith in. Sorry for all the demands, but we're a team. Hold my hand. Walk with me, please. I will always need you. I will always work to follow your destined path for me. In your name, I pray.

Day #194: Kameelputs, SA: The Usual

2006-09-12T22:10:00.000-04:00

Traleathea and I spent five hours too long on washing clothes. It was a son of a bitch-no joke. I hate my hot plate. Five thousand years later it heats the water for my bath. Geesh.

No other complaints. I'm in high spirits. I really do adore Traleathea's presence. Just makes things here more fun and sweet. I'm pleased that Ray wrote me. I'm worried about his health and safety, but worrying is fruitless, so I'll leave it in God's hands where it always belongs.

Day #191: Kameelputs, SA: Out of Sorts

2006-09-07T22:09:00.000-04:00

I'm sick of drawing pictures! I resent how they all stare. It's starting to get old real fast. Breathe it out. What do I expect? I'm the white American. I'm so glad Athelia, my host principal, won't be in tomorrow. She was bearable today, but has such shady tendencies.

I miss Laura. Wish she were here, filling this empty space. I'm going in all sorts tonight. I'm losing my sanity...wait...did I ever have it?? Hope Dale Alan calls tonight. One month from today and he'll be here with me. Everything about me is excited. He can't get here soon enough. I have a feeling this is really gonna work. Hope God knows what's up. Sometimes I'm just nervous and fearful. If this isn't it, I can't afford to wait another nine years, or 24. My heart will shut forever-unacceptable.

Day #190: Kameelputs, SA: A Life this Amazing!

2006-09-06T23:16:00.000-04:00

It was refreshing to vent to someone who understands my frustrations. Tiny is a great friend. Traleathea and I are making strides to "get in good" with the people here. I think we should work together more often.

It was awesome to hear Dale's sleepy talk this morning. What a blessing! I can't wait to kiss that man. Makes my heart race! Sigh...Okay, must stay with the program and keep a strong hold on the mission at hand. The rest will come in due time, in God's time. I am so proud of myself. Not everyone can create a life this amazing!

Day #189: Kameelputs, SA: Armpit Hair...Yikes!

2006-09-06T23:12:00.000-04:00

I know the sun is going down out there, but it's too dusty and windy to sit outside.

The hair under my arms has reached frightening lengths. It's grossing me out. When Dale arrives, in one month may I add, I'll have to be better groomed. It's worth it. He's worth it. I'm hoping he calls, but when am I not?

Tiny, my teacher friend, isn't too pleased about my absence this weekend. She shouldn't have sent her son to call me. Oh well, she'll get over it. They always do.

It was so nice to hear Mom's voice last night. I miss that wild woman. I thank God for another magical day of blessings. I always know where you are.

Day #188: Kameelputs, SA: Through My Fingers

2006-09-06T23:08:00.000-04:00

Happy Women's Day!
Full force ahead this week. I need to mentally prepare to be active and productive. I really am proud to be here. My heart is heavy tonight, but life is so very sweet. I believe in this mission. I'll be home before I know it. I need to push forward, embrace this moment. I'm letting it all slip so quickly. I must catch it and hold tight. I can never capture it again once it passes through my fingers.

Thank you, Jesus. You're the only reason I know I can do this. I can feel your promises pulse through me.

Day #185: Kameelputs, SA: The Travel Idiot Soon to Surface

2006-08-14T17:30:00.000-04:00

Thank you for the simple joys. Not a real productive day, but I have survived and there's something to be said for that, right? Work with me here.

I'd rather veto church tomorrow, but I'm trying to maintain open-mindedness. Hope it's bearable. Time will tell.

I'm nervous about traveling to Pretoria, where our PC office is, next week. I'm just a travel idiot. Although would it be the worst thing in the world to travel without the girls? Answer: No. No listening to Nykamp's ramble. No baby-sitting Traleathea. We'll see how it all pans out. You know I love 'em, but they're so much maintenance. Puts new meaning to the word "vacation".

I helped Kedibone with her biology homework and gave a random man advice on starting a resort. Images of married life danced through my head all day...what have I become? I need peace and focus.

Day #184: Kameelputs, SA: Emerging from Depression

2006-08-12T13:34:00.001-04:00

Sigh. I feel good. It's a pleasant change. I'm looking forward to my weekend with Traleathea (PCV) and Tiny (teacher). I'm in such high spirits, it's just plain weird. I saw the sun set. Beautiful. I really should get out there more often. There's no excuse.

I love Dale Alan Prather. I'm gonna let myself fall in love. I've decided. There's no sense fighting it. I'm gonna let it be.

Random thought: I wish I was watching Seinfield right now. I feel like laughing out loud. I love my life!!!

Day #183: Kameelputs, SA: The Gameplan

2006-08-12T13:30:00.000-04:00

I really need to get on track. This is really getting depressing. Quite embarrassing, if I don't play it up right. Good Lord, help me! This is really not in my character or showing my intergrity to wallow in my own depression for so long. Well, no sense in feeling bad about my lack of action. Just gotta get back up now. Clean. Prepare for tomorrow. Get over myself. That's the gameplan. I know I'm up to it.

Day #182: Kameelputs, SA: My Testimony

2006-08-12T13:27:00.000-04:00

I had a dream about my pappy's funeral. Mom told me that I'm the strongest person she knows. She tells people that it's my fault that pulls me through. See, Jesus, testimony of faith. Keep using me. I'm strong because of you.

Day #177: Kameelputs, SA: Help Me Heal

2006-08-11T18:33:00.000-04:00

I feel completely shitty. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just need Jesus to help me heal. Everything aches-my back, throat, head, heart, spirit. Only Jesus can make me well again. I praise Him for making me always strong and beautiful. Ahh...what dreamless sleep last night...let it come again now....

Day #176: Kameelputs, SA: Heavy and Sleepy

2006-08-11T18:28:00.000-04:00

The electricity is out again and the candle is getting low. My heart is heavy and sleepy, so I must be quick. God help me to be healthy and strong, happy and fit. It's important that this weekend is enjoyable. I need and deserve it to be

I had a dream about that featured eight family members and friends. How very crazy...well, I did sleep 12 hours last night. Ah, sleep is my biggest coping method these days. I must push through!

Day #175: Kameelputs, SA: Hunger

2006-08-11T18:26:00.000-04:00

I thank Jesus for this day-so many blessings-but I am tired of being tired and so far away from everyone I love. I hope this weekend brings some needed relief. We shall see. Nothing else to report. I'm hungry. My body, my heart, and my spirit all want something good. I must push bravely through 21 more months.

Day #173: Kameelputs, SA: Down the Aisle

2006-08-10T22:28:00.000-04:00

I am sad in this moment. My friend and old roommate, Jackie, will be walking down that aisle towards Steven in 35 minutes. Megan, my other friend and roommate, will come before her, dressed beautifully in that gown. I wish so much to be there. Sigh. This too shall pass, eh?

Another long day in Kameelputs. I've done nothing and I don't mind it. There was nothing that needed attention. I have no complaints. Just another day. I thank God for it, nonetheless. I know I am blessed to be here. I knew the price I'd have to pay. Thank you, Lord, for making these sacrifices worth it.

Day #172: Kameelputs, SA: Tasted Like Beef

2006-08-10T22:21:00.000-04:00

I'm sincerely gonna beat these kids-no joke. They should've left one hour ago. Arg. Hold on. I'll write after I get rid of two darling baby boys....

Fast forward two hours...
I just ate the goat that I witnesses being slaughtered two days ago. Tasted like beef. Am I getting tough skin or what?!

I feel much better now that I'm alone. Thank you, Jesus, for solitude. I never realized how much of it I require until now. My thoughts are moving too fast to keep up. I think I'll read.

Day #171: Kameelputs, SA: Nightmares Strike Again

2006-08-08T23:55:00.000-04:00

I just woke from a terrible dream/nightmare. It was dark in my room and I grew fearful. I recall waking a few times throughout it, looking to redirect in a positive way. No such luck and, as I sit here, still a bit shaken up, I wonder if there was a message somewhere in my struggle for survival. It was just so real-so frighteningly real.

Otherwise, the day was fine. I am just sleepy from my late night talking with Dale and long walk home against the wind. I've laughed and loved, ate heartily and slept a lot. A good day, indeed.

Day #170: Kameelputs, SA: Jumping the Gun

2006-08-08T23:47:00.000-04:00

I may be jumping the gun, sorta speak, but this day has been a decent one. Well, if you take away the goat slaughtering that took place on the cement slab this morning. God help me, this is not in my job description!

Speaking of my job, I really like the teachers of Etebare Primary. Very cool chicks. They may even have a clue on how to teach. Again, possibly jumping the gun. I planned a slumber party with Tiny, my teacher friend, in a few weeks. I'm really looking forward to it. I like that lady, just hope I can help her students.

My concerns: Getting teachers motivated when I struggle myself, helping the people who need and ask for it. God is my life and my death. He will shelter me. He knows what I need.

Day #169: Kameelputs, SA: Gripes & Hoorahs

2006-08-08T23:39:00.000-04:00

My gripes:
* A teacher left me for two hours in hell (no exaggeration) while she attended a meeting and I watched her class. Nothing like Satan's demons running around speaking Tswana.
* The principal of Mammutla Primary asked for "sponsership" from America. Like giving two years of my life isn't enough? Good God!
* I'm tired and annoyed of these crappy people!

My hoorahs:
* Kedibone delivered fatcakes to me. They were awesome.
* My friend, Sarah, called with apartment drama.
* LuckyBoy, the neighbor boy and my friend, visited. What a good person!
* The kids entertained me. We took photos galore.

Okay, so this job definitely has its downfalls, but look at all these perks! Isn't this all about the kids, anyways? Heck yeah! Thank you, Jesus, for pulling me through just when I was about to surrender to the day. Close call. Think of what I would have missed!

Day #168: Kameelputs, SA: Long Walk Home

2006-08-08T23:33:00.000-04:00

Although quite unproductive, I did survive well. I slowed down and wrote to Mae and read. Nothing to write home about, but nonetheless good Kate things. The best part of my day, I may add, was that long walk home. What a nice, long chat with God. Such a relief. I am so blessed to have such revelations. My world has been turned upside down and around, but through it all I am still this mighty child of God. God is it-my beginning and end-author and finisher of my faith.

P.S. Is it my imagination or do my hands smell of goats?!? Yikes.

Day #167: Kameelputs, SA: Kindred Spirit

2006-08-08T23:29:00.000-04:00

I've been a busy little bee today, even though it started a bit late. I played with Kamogelo and Mapaseka and painted their nails, shared my food with the neighbor kids, and even helped Kedibone with her schoolwork. I think the children can feel my kindred spirit. Is that possible? I feel good. What a pleasant weekend, though with a shaky start.

I need to keep this positive attitude in check. I need to push through. I'm here, aren't I? This is what I asked for and, as promised, I received. Praise Jesus...one day at a time.

Day #166: Kameelputs, SA: "Home"

2006-08-08T23:24:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a waste of a day, but I feel better today. Doesn't God just work like that? I love it!

I really wish I was with my girls-Traleathea and Laura in Pretoria or Stace drinking in her village-but this is a good alternative. I'm HOME, where I should be in this moment. There's something to be said for that, I think.

One year and nine months to go! Another one bit the dust, PCV that is..Portia cashed in her chips and headed home today. I'm so jealous. Give me strength and peace, Jesus. Help me to know myself well.

Day #164: Kameelputs, SA: Life As It Should Be

2006-08-08T23:19:00.000-04:00

Do you suppose they mean it on the salsa jar when they say "refridgerate and eat in three days"? I'm throwing caution to the wind--call me a risk-taker.

I think Mom is serious about an upcoming Outer Banks vacation. I'm already looking forward to it. Is that a bad sign? I'm trying hard to take it all one day at a time. I'm thinking of taking off a month early to travel. Plenty of time to think about it. I'm just all out of sorts tonight. Thinking a mile a minute. Wow...what a "mom" expression. I miss her like crazy.

Listening to Billie Holiday, eating granola from the bag, and drinking hot blueberry tea. Life is as it should be. Ahhhhh....

Day #163: Kameelputs, SA: Screwed Up System

2006-08-03T10:58:00.000-04:00

I can't wait to teach in America. Tshabelang Primary School, my host school, is pulling me down. Athelia, the principal, actually sends kids home if they are late to school. That's crap. What a screwed up system. I hope I'm able to bring some sanity to it. We shall see. I don't know how I remain optimistic.

I still don't know about Dale and me. Katrina is right. When you know, you just know. Period. End of sentence. Sigh, I think I'm gonna have to eventually let him go.

Day #162: Kameelputs, SA: Nightmares Strike

2006-08-03T10:52:00.000-04:00

I need to concentrate on Jesus tonight and very little else. Today was not uplifting or refreshing. It was suffocating. I slept for three and a half hours after school, giving way to rape nightmares. "The sum of her body and all her parts cannot fight. It is wonderful." Satan is trying to push his way through. I know I sound ludacris, but I can feel his darkness. He's trying to attack my dreams. I need God to answer this door, to wedge His body between mine and Satan's, to get me through this dark hour so that I may live with peace and grace.

Day #161: Kameelputs, SA: All I Can Do is Hang On

2006-08-03T10:35:00.000-04:00

Thank you, Jesus, for my survival. This is the first night slept alone in a room for over three weeks. My heart hurts. I need to clean this dusty room, talk to Dale Alan, and dream sweet. Wish I could save people. Wish I knew the answers. Wish I knew what to do when. I've been pulled in so many directions for nearly a month straight!

"I remember thinking..
Sometimes we walk..
Sometimes we run away." -Dave Matthews Band

To quickly sum up the month away from here, my grandfather died after a long fight against cancer, my dad and Dale had birthdays (a day apart), and my best friend from college, Katrina, got married. I am missing everything! Traleathea had a breakdown in Durban, where we vacationed, and I feel like I'm barely hanging on.

Day #134: Kameelputs, SA: A Friend in Need

2006-08-03T10:29:00.000-04:00

How does God plan this all out? It seems wreckless and rude. I know there's meaning and purpose in everything. Have I hurt Traleathea? Have I been a selfish friend? Tomorrow I'm getting my big ole butt over there to see that crazy girl in Vryburg Hospital. I'm not going to let her slip. I'm going to keep her upright. God will help me. I just know we have the same agenda. I have faith in our teamwork. I need Him to guide my journey tomorrow, to help me to arrive safely, and to know the right things to say.

Day #133: Kameelputs, SA: Lacking Initiative

2006-07-27T17:29:00.000-04:00

Mae was right. Some people dream of large mansions and shiny cars. My dream resides here in this small room, within these dung walls, under this tin roof. It's all just what one sees as prosperity and wealth, right? God help me.

I can't complain about today. Another boring day on a string of them. I want to make a difference, but I lack the initiative. I don't know how to approach this fight, but my biggest fear is that this will be all in vain, that this dream will stay only in this heart, never to be seen with human eyes. I ask to achieve great things only through God's grace. I must lead by example, as a testimony of faith.

Day #132: Kameelputs, SA: Listening for the Answer

2006-07-27T17:25:00.000-04:00

I actually chased goats out of my yard just now. How funny.

I'm in high spirits. It was a pleasant, calm day. I set up a table and chair and worked in the sun. Ahhhh...I kind of miss being a student.

I read my devotional book this afternoon. "It wasn't that Jesus was silent; it was that John had been listening for the wrong answer. John had been listening for the answer to his earthly problems, while Jesus was busy resolving his heavenly ones." Hmmmm...makes me think of all the times I misunderstood God's silence for His preoccupation. Something to think about.

Day #129: Kameelputs, SA: Heartbreak, Heartache

2006-07-27T17:18:00.000-04:00

Traleathea, my closest PCV and friend, is giving it three more months before she surrenders. I hope she hangs in there, but how can I keep someone here who doesn't feel its power? I have a bad feeling I'm going to have to let her go at some point. I'm not gonna tell her how much she'll break my heart. I'm going to listen and support, like the good friend I am...Where is she? She should be here by now.

I miss my family and friends from home. So many random memories went floating through as I sat in the sun this afternoon, watching the barefoot children jumping so fast. Sigh...

Day #128: Kameelputs, SA: Pep Talk to Self

2006-07-27T11:13:00.000-04:00

My heart feels a little lighter today. My talk with Dale cleared the air. Do not let go. Do not give up. Let faith lead you. You don't have to have all the answers. Newsflash: You don't even know the questions anymore. Stay strong and spirited. Work on yourself first, then make small steps to improve big circumstances. You don't have to be strong all the time, you just have to survive. Some days you have your hands full with just that one mission. Be easy on yourself. You know why you're here. Let that one vision lead you.

A man by the name of Nevell handed me a book, yellowed and worn with use, underlined with urgent care. The title: Can Your Faith Fail? I think God is sending me an important message. I have no choice but to sit up and take notice. How can I not?

Day #127: Kameelputs,SA: Keeping It Alive

2006-07-27T11:06:00.000-04:00

Agnes, the local teenagers who visits often, has a shine to her eyes-I can see it! I hope she always keeps that glow, although I'm fearful she won't. Save the children, God. Look at them-they need you!

This day has been too long. Everything about me is tired: my heart, my mind, my body. I want to talk to the people I love. I hope one of them calls tonight. I need to speak with Dale. He deserves more than I can give right now. I hope all this makes sense one day. I'm counting on it.

I got some cool mail this afternoon. I do feel loved, but it's hard to keep it alive and strong from here. The feeling leaves way too quickly, leaving me even more empty and sad. I'll pull through, I always do. Just have to keep the faith through it out. Easier said than done.

Day #126:Kameelputs,SA: Breathing Out the Bad

2006-07-26T22:22:00.000-04:00

Arg. Too many kids in this room and this place smells like tuna fish. Surprised it's not enough to get them running. I'm tired today with lots of work tonight. I hope I'm able to tackle this upcoming workshop with conviction and fire. Really, I'll be happy if I can sound intelligent and survive.

I should have shut my mouth to Dale last night. Now he's all upset and worried. I just need to talk myself out of these moods before confronting him. I just want to be open and honest, so there will be no surprises. We'll see. I still have faith.

8pm...AGHHH! What an afternoon! I still have work to do. Some kids broke my only frisbee and a teenager criticized my looks. Kedibone is angry because she didn't get her way and Ottilia, a remedial teacher, told me I'm getting fat. I'm currently breathing it out. Help me, Jesus!!

Day #125:Kameelputs, SA: Love Questioned

2006-07-26T22:16:00.000-04:00

I'm in a relatively good mood. Subject to change, of course. I feel like I have a lot of work this week. Definitely shouldn't be bored. I had a fabulous weekend. My girls and I drank ourselves silly. It was beautiful-much needed. I took gobs of pictures. I appreciate those crazy girls so much. They're so sweet and I adore how we all get along so much.

I got a note from Susan, my good friend at home, and she seems slightly skeptical about my relationship with Dale. It was so sudden and she's right to be concerned. I take her perspective seriously and know she'd never play me. I wish I could figure this whole Dale thing out. I will. I just need time..and Jesus. I hope my eyes always remain open to God's grace.

Day #121:Kameelputs, SA: Reasons to Celebrate

2006-07-26T22:07:00.000-04:00

Dale just called. What a sweetheart. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Everything is kosher here:
*Naledi, my friend, and Kedibone, my sister, are studying and Judy, my best friend, just left.
*My host mom, MaBetty, brought by fatcakes and tangerines.
*The kids came by to draw.
*Sylvia and Agnes, the local teens, played frisbee with me.
*Poppy and Ann, my fellow educators, brought me lunch to share.
*Dale called and Mom is calling tonight.
*Stacy, my best friend&PCV, just got my letter and feels the same.
*I get to see my girls (other PCVs) tomorrow!
I think that's enough reason to celebrate.

The people here from Mammutla Village call me "White Teacher". I actually like the sound of that! I love life!! It's complete no matter where I am and who surrounds me. I have peace in my heart! I know it's because of Jesus alone.

Day #120: Kameelputs, SA: Opening Minds&Classrooms

2006-07-25T00:38:00.000-04:00

I woke up warm, talking quietly to God. I went to bed cold, doing the same thing. He really helped me out today! I feel good about the way things are going...will hopefully go. I recognize that I need to stick tight to this crew of educators. Some will pull a fast one over on me for sure. I can't believe I actually had a productive week! Okay, it's only Tuesday, but I have high hopes for the rest of the week.
It's so strange how one day is as great as the one before was crappy. I guess that's just the way things work, eh? God always comes through. Thank you, God, for lighting my way through today's closed minds and dark classrooms. May I continue to walk boldly hand-in-hand with you.

Day #119: Kameelputs,SA: Why Did I Agree to This?

2006-07-25T00:34:00.000-04:00

It was a crummy day! I'm still recovering from my cold and I've agreed to conduct a teacher workshop tomorrow. I'm suddenly so nervous about it. Why did I agree to this?! I hope I'm able to use this opportunity to change at least one perspective. Please, Jesus, use me as a vessel of light. Stand beside me tomorrow and all the days following.

Day #116: Kameelputs, SA: I Don't Ask For Much.

2006-07-25T00:25:00.000-04:00

I hate being sick. Who doesn't? I haven't left my room all day, except a few trips to the latrine. Dale called right on cue last night, just when I was calling out. It really is the simple things, like breathing out of both nostrils and feeling warmth at night. I don't ask for much.

Today, in this moment of solitude, I really feel Dale and I will work. We do work. The only time I doubt it is when I bring other people into the equation, which should never really happen with two people in love. This is good for me, for us.

I love you, Savior. Heal my sickened body, replenish my weakened spirit, and set on fire my tired heart. Protect your beloved followers. Save their broken souls.

Day #114: Kameelputs, SA: What I Really Want...

2006-07-25T00:20:00.000-04:00

I slept this afternoon. It's too cold to sleep at night. Last night I realized that what I really want is Dale-his natural heat and warmth. I asked God for peace and comfort, to embrace this new love (among other things). I really must give it all to Him. It's my last option when clearly it should be my first. Oh, I'm learning. I can't leave this place any less strong. I won't surrender to anything guided by ungodly motives. I'll fight. I'll push through. I'm a soldier humbled only by the power of God, love, and things good and pure.

As a side note, the people of Mammutla Village, where one of my three schools is, has no idea why I'm here, even after many explanations. It's very frustrating, but I hope to set them straight again tomorrow.

Day #113: Kameelputs, SA: The Mystery of the Lost Towel

2006-07-24T23:45:00.000-04:00

I can't find my freaking towel. I can't concentrate on anything else. I don't think I can trust my host sister, Kedibone. Of course, I care about her, but she's too much like a real sister sometimes. I wonder if she knows where my towel is. This room is too small to lose anything. Good God!!

Okay, tried yoga today in my room. HA. I need a little work, to say the least.

I miss Dale. I'm scared more about this working out than about this failing. Am I in love with this man?!? Some days I feel it as strongly as I feel my babies creation in Heaven now. Other days I'm not entirely convinced. I know it will all fall into place when it's time. I believe that. I understand that faith is all I have. I have no choice but to live by it!

Save the sufferers. Heal the broken-hearted. Love to the faithfully departed. Peace to the world, to the children of God.

Day #112: Kameelputs, SA: Getting Back on Track

2006-07-24T23:41:00.000-04:00

Just talked to Mom. I love her perspective, how she always knows what to say. Well, usually. Wish Dale would call. I adore that man!

I need Jesus. Oh, it's a fine moment. I just need to know what to do and I don't. I need to fight for this vision and get on track. I need direction and focus-a way of my own. Been thinking of Jesus a lot and I certainly do trust Him. I hope I'm able to show that. I know I have such big moments of doubt, but faith is seeing the vision in our hearts when we can't see in from our eyes. I can do it! We can do it!

Day #108: Kameelputs, SA: I Dream of Dale

2006-07-20T21:20:00.000-04:00

I ate peanut butter straight from the jar-lots of it. I slept for four hours during the day. I thought of God when I could.

I had a dream of Dale. He was kind, curious, and running in all sorts of directions without me. I only wanted him near and he was so preoccupied. I called his name and believed his word. Stephanie, an old friend, was there, as well, upset about a love between a man and a woman. I was gentle with her cynicism. I'm trying not to read into this dream, but I want that man close. To feel his arm draped over me in sleep, his warm breath on the back of my neck-the only comforts I'm ever going to need on this earth.

I sat quietly thinking of why I should hold on to us. One word came to me: LOVE. Combined with faith, I need nothing else. Thank you for salvation, Christ the only Lord. I chose love through you, because of you.

Day #107: Kameelputs, SA: A Team of Three

2006-07-20T21:14:00.000-04:00

Okay, I breathed it out and I think I may just make it out alive. I say tomorrow I demand my alone time. No joke. This is ridiculous!

Somedays I want to go home to Jesus. Sounds weird, but He's the only home we know. Still carrying doubts of Dale and me and our sweet possibility. One day at a time. I don't need to be afraid anymore. I can surrender to it: love, God, Dale, and all the promises we can keep together-the three of us as a team! I don't have to do it all alone anymore.

Help me, Jesus, to stay strong in you. Let me stand with conviction for what I believe to be true. Allow me to lead others gallantly to the life uncommon, the road untraveled--okay, okay, just get me through the week!!

Day #106: Kameelputs, SA: Goodbye, Good Riddance!

2006-07-20T21:06:00.000-04:00

Okay, two months have passed , but I'm going to try to make this a habit.

I love Jesus! Did you know it? I mean, some moments-okay, days!-I don't know up from down and why I chose down, but that's where God wants me, right here in this moment.

ACK! I swear there's something rather large in the bag across the room. I can hear it breathing. You know, this place really can freak me out. I have such an imagination. It runs wild!

So Brian, the PCV who lived closest, is gone and I'm almost relieved. Underdogs and lost boys tend to gravitate towards me, no doubt another one of God's little schemes. God can be so tricky like that! I wonder if I did wrong by Brian, if he would have stayed if I was enough. He brought it to my attention just minutes before he said his final farewell (as farewells often seem to be) and left my life forever.

It all works out in the end, that's what I keep telling myself. Can't help but to wonder how much impact and control we really have. I'm guessing very little, but I'm so good at torturing myself with all the little ways it hasn't added up yet. Thank you, my Messiah. You're the reason...that's all I need to know. The rest is details.

Day #61: Kameelputs, SA: The Birthday Blues

2006-07-20T19:44:00.000-04:00

Oh man, I was afraid the tears would fall. I think I cried last year on my birthday. Go figure. Yeah, I had that big confrontation with my roommates (and friends), Sarah and Megan. Talk about a breakdown. Wow. I am pitiful. Hello--like I didn't know my birthday would come while I'm in Kameelputs. Just be happy I'm alive. At least I'll have Traleathea by my side tomorrow. Count your blessings, baby. You have plenty. Embrace them. Celebrate! Life is so sweet.

Thank you for another day to love, for another year to serve, for this life to give. Help me to keep my sights on only you.

Day #60: Kameelputs, SA: A Plea for Peace

2006-07-20T19:40:00.000-04:00

So here I am at my permanent site. I think I'll do alright here. Walked around in town and I have to be honest: I got the creeps. Too many people watching and commenting. I mustn't lose patience, but it's hard.

I'm concerned about this war. Grown men should be ashamed, fighting like children. I don't understand the circumstances of this war at all, but it seems to me there should never be a reason to kill innocent people. We hide behind ideals of freedom and justice when we should be practicing love. I never want to understand. Please, God, save your children. Bring peace to their hearts. Take them home safely. Hear their prayers and relieve their pains and fears. Save their souls.

Day #57: Kameelputs, SA: Another Fresh Start

2006-07-20T19:35:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking so much. Such a strange day. My first night in my second home here. I'm kinda bummed about leaving my friends in Moruleng. You'd think I'd be used to this, but I'd be heartless if I was. I like it here, though. Looks like I'm gonna be able to create that library after all. I'm optimistic.

Thank you, Messiah, for an open mind and peaceful, faith-filled heart. Let me embrace the differences. I pray for Jeffrey, Traleathea's fallen brother. Watch over Ray in Irag, okay? Let peace and love reign. Our nation-our world-needs you....PLEASE!

Day #56: Pampierstad, SA: Mapaseka is Born!

2006-07-20T16:28:00.000-04:00

Another day nearly over. I went to church-let's just say it was interesting. Our little visitors just left. My new name is Mapaseka: she who was born on Good Friday. (Yeah, I didn't get to pick!) Athelia, my host principal and site supervisor, is awesome, fun, and vibrant-very maternal and welcoming. She's great and makes me feel a part of things. I think I'm going to really fit in here, once I get past all the looks and shock. They will learn to love me!

Day #53: Moruleng, SA: This Too Shall Pass

2006-07-20T16:23:00.000-04:00

Trying to think of a new name for site. I'm considering Naledi, meaning Star. My 24th birthday is arriving in nine days. Hope it's a good one.

I got sad this afternoon. Wish I didn't feel like I always have to fight. I miss my life! Oh, I've accepted this one and I'm pleased to live it. Just homesick and sad. This too shall pass. Must take the good with the bad, right? Hoping to have a youth leadership camp once at site. Never know the lives we can touch when we reach our children. True dat!

I love you, Jesus! Give me strength!!

Day #52: Moruleng, SA: Faith+Love=Peace

2006-07-19T12:16:00.000-04:00

I can't break his heart. I won't. It's not an option. I've done it so often in the past and he believes in us. I've promised him. It'll work out. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and things will fall into place. They always do! With faith all things come to be that are meant to be.

Faith + Love = Joy, Contentment, and Peace. Thank you, Jesus! I believe in you! I believe in us!

Day #51: Moruleng, SA: For Love of Music

2006-07-19T10:46:00.000-04:00

Oh, you know I adore all children, but I started writing at eight o'clock and I haven't had one free moment to myself. I introduced my cd player and five hours later everyone and their mom has listened to 15 songs three times. Good God. Now, drunk Pheto, my host father at training, is listening to Jars of Clay when I should be. Breathe it out, Kate. It won't matter in a week. Hell-it won't matter in two hours. Just something to keep in mind for my official site. Know my boundaries. Set limitations. It will only be great if I'm healthy and happy.

Thank you, Jesus, for the opportunity to love and share. Help me to be a vessel of light and not of frustration and impatience. Praise you!! Let people see your light through me!

Day #50: Moruleng, SA: Mammutla, Here I Come!

2006-07-18T13:16:00.000-04:00

Whew-eeee! Mammutla, here I come!!

Here's what I know about my placement:
*Village farthest south in the Northwest Province
*Six miles from Brian, 15 from Traleathea, 135 from Kimberely (the city), next to a dam
*Must find good cell phone reception
*No electricity
*Room outside of host family house

Just what I wanted. I'm stoked! Just have a good feeling about it. God takes good care of me, doesn't He?!! Everything will fall into place. Praise Jesus! You always know. How do you do it?! Thank You! My heart is exploding with hope, faith, love-all the goodness that can come from you. Thank you for peace of heart and mind. Help me to stay strong in weak moments. I adore you.

I ask you for watch over Traleathea, Danielle, and all the good people of SA10 (the 10th PC group to go to South Africa)! Also, you know my family, friends, and enemies back home need you, even those who are too ignorant or silly to know it. Save them!

Day #49: Moruleng, SA: Premonitions & Friendship

2006-07-18T13:12:00.000-04:00

I don't know what I'm doing. You know, some days I just have this sneaking suspicion that I'm gonna break Dale's heart. Just a premonition-I sincerely hope that won't be the case.

Good God, I'm so glad I'm here. I really have to work some things out. But don't I always?! Thank you, Jesus, for the beautiful day spent among new friends. Keep me in line. I need you to keep me on my game. This weekend was beautiful and I know it's because of you.

Day #16: Moruleng, SA: The Beauty of Africa

2006-07-17T00:33:00.000-04:00

Tumiseng, the neighbor girl, is listening to Fiona Apple. What a glorious moment! Connections through music--Rock On!

I wonder if Mae sent out that mass email. Hope I'm missed.

Been so zonked lately. I need to be more lively. SNAP OUT OF IT!!

This place is so beautiful. I"ll never forget the way the sun shines on the hillside in the late afternoon and how the stars shine so brightly at night. All that shining--WHEW!

Thank you, Messiah. Watch over my people-ALL people. Have mercy.